There are so many things I want to write, but I don’t want to write about you. I don’t want to dedicate any of my writings to you, but lately every page I’ve been filling is about you. As much as I try to deny all my feelings, it only leads me to restless sleep where the ghost of you is dancing in my head, with no intention to leave me alone. It was so exhausting and it consumed me, making me feel weak and powerless.
I wouldn’t dare to spell your name, because I don’t want you to know what you did to me. You make me smile and giggle inside whenever I see you. You make my heart skip a beat when we’re passing closely by chance. You lit up something inside of me that I thought was dead, you ignited the flame in my heart, I could feel the warmth but the fire eventually burned all of my hopes. I can’t decipher what happened inside me, I can be so optimistic but one second later I can be the most pessimistic person because, despite I was sure what I felt about you, I don’t even know you, even if it is just a bit and a little piece of you. I don’t know anything about you besides your name, and it made me anxious and doubt myself, it was nice to get thrilled whenever your eyes met mine, but the aftermath is slowly killing me. It was never contentment and pure happiness, it was always followed by self-doubting sessions and anxiety, leaving me feeling worthless.
I wouldn’t dare to spell your name, to really dedicate this for you, because if it happens, then it was over for me. That means I acknowledge the feelings, without knowing if it is real or just an illusion I made. That means I let all my strength and the protection wall I’ve built will melt down, showing my vulnerability and the true feelings I had for you. That means I chose to let my emotions pour towards you and to tell you the truth, I didn’t have the guts to do that. I didn’t have the bravery to tell you that it was me all along, I didn’t have the bravery to cross the line, the boundaries I set myself. I always promised myself that I wouldn’t put any expectation on you, because I know for sure that there will be no us. We were on a different path from the start, right now I am just wandering around and you are the dreamland that I occurred to visit. Someday I have to return to the place where I belong and there is no you. I’ll leave everything behind and in the end, you will become a memory. A memory that taught me, love is just not about yearning and longing, but accepting it and choosing to let go.
As soon as this paragraph comes to an end, I’ll let myself erase every scrap of you from my brain. Maybe the feelings will stay for a little while, lingering in my heart and head, but someday, I will return to my place.
